Why We’re Unhappy — The Tyranny of Expectations
And What to do About it
There’s an old man in South Africa, with only one leg, who lives alone. I recently watched a documentary about this man. His father and brothers died in their 50s and 60s. He expected the same. So now, well into his 70s, he views every day as a gift. He lost his leg to an artery blockage. He certainly did not expect this to happen to him. With humor, he explains that he would indeed prefer to have two legs. Yet instead of regretting the loss of his leg, he is grateful he did not lose his life. His expectations now are that he will try to do what he is able and will ask for help when he is not able. He expects that the road will be bumpy, yet he is grateful for every day he is alive. His appreciation is high, he accepts his fate, his expectations are in line with reality. He is poor, has one leg, lives alone, and is happy.
For most of us the image of an optimist is one who expects everything to go well. The person who wakes up in the morning expecting the best is the perpetual optimist. For much of my life this is how I viewed myself, as an optimist. I considered that things should be perfect and as I wanted them to be. Imagine my confusion when I found myself routinely disappointed and unhappy. It’s raining, people are rude, traffic is terrible, and the coffee shop is closed. The reality of the day kicks the legs out from under the expectations for a great day.
The difference between our South African friend and my delusional variety of optimism is summarized by Arthur Brooks last week in The Atlantic: “The Difference Between Hope and Optimism — For Starters, Hope is Better”. “There’s a word for believing you can make things better without distorting reality: not optimism, but hope.” Distorting reality, or unrealistic expectations, sets one up for disappointment when life is, well, life.
The Expectations Gap
Is this distortion of reality truly the source of our unhappiness? The world is wealthier than ever, healthier than ever, but we are more unhappy and depressed. We don’t see a corresponding increase in our happiness with these factors. How can this be? According to Nat Ware, Oxford PhD and global wellness advocate, this is due to the growing “expectations gap”. In his 2014 TEDx talk, perhaps even more relevant today, he explains that unhappiness comes from a gap between our expectations of reality and our experience of reality.
Nat goes on to explain that there are 3 different types of expectation gaps:
First, expectation gaps based on our imagination. The way that we imagine things to be in the future can cause us problems. When we get attached to a specific outcome that is not in our control, or when we have unrealistic expectations of the future.
What is interesting about Nat’s research here is that he explains this type of expectation gap can be exacerbated by choice. When we make a choice, we do so because we feel it will be better than the alternatives. This simple process of choosing raises our expectations. Technology, social media, and marketing makes it worse. These create options, and stories about options, that aren’t real. Watch the Emmy winning documentary The Social Dilemma or read the Wall Street Journey expo The Facebook Files to learn how this psychographic profiling and targeting is engineered into systems to exploit dissatisfaction which increases time-on-site which is the commodity (read: our attention) sold to advertisers. In a line that screams of gallows-humor, Nat says, “advertisers have proven that if you can make people hate themselves you can sell them things”.
Next are the expectation gaps associated with others around us. This gap is about comparison. Nat uses an example to summarize his research here: two individuals who make $50,000 a year feel completely different about it, depending on their group of comparison. The one whose friends all make more than $50,000 feels poor and unsuccessful. The one whose friends all make less, feels well off and successful.
Expectations by way of comparison can be particularly insidious. When you measure your happiness in wealth, reputation, material possessions, even professional accomplishment, this is a form of score keeping where the target is always moving. You look at the leader-board and see no matter how much you have someone else always has more. Your expectation (or yearning, or entitlement) that you should have more crashes into the reality of what it is that you do have. And while you are rich, have two legs and live with a beautiful family, you are unhappy. Again, exploited by social media and marketing, you’ll be reminded of your short-comings verses thousands of times a day if you chose to pay attention. Seeking happiness by attempting to close the comparison gap to others is like “running on a hedonic treadmill”, says Nat. You’ll be chasing forever and struggle to find happiness.
The third type of expectation gap regards the past. We become unhappy when our past seems better than our present. Nat illustrated the research here with an example of two people with the same lifetime earnings: the person who started their career with greater earnings, which dwindled later in their career, is less happy than the person whose earnings increased over time.
Mind the Gap
Nat’s bottom line is that what we think determines happiness, actual outcomes, is not what determines happiness. What determines happiness are relative outcomes, or how we feel about outcomes. In other words, happiness is not based on an independent variable, it is intertwined with our thoughts of the future, experience of the past, and relative to those around us.
This is dangerous territory. If happiness is about perception and not reality, that can be wonderful if we find mental clarity and gratitude as our South African friend has. Or it can be disastrous if we are unaware of what is really happening in our minds and our psychological tendency to collapse under the relentless barrage of expectations and comparisons pummeling us every day.
The good news is that there are a multitude of paths toward addressing these issues. There are cognitive behavioral therapists, martial arts, and philosophical practices. There is mindfulness, meditation, and spiritual counseling. All of these, and more, encourage us to be present, maintain virtuous goals, and be grateful. Arthur Brooks offers a similar prescription: face reality, be specific about what’s in your control and what would make it better, then act.
Call to Action
For our own mental fitness and that of those around us, it is imperative that we become aware of how our thoughts are influenced by comparison and expectations. Awareness is the first step. Clif Smith says it best:
If you don’t take control of your own mind, you can guarantee someone else will.
